Why You Should Never Pursue Someone Who Is Not Invested: Lessons from Sex and the City

The iconic TV series Sex and the City has inspired endless conversations about love, friendship, and the complexities of relationships. One of the most discussed dynamics is the tumultuous relationship between Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big. While their on-again, off-again romance is a cornerstone of the series, it also serves as a cautionary tale about pursuing someone who may not truly see you as their ideal partner — or “type.”

Throughout the series, Carrie’s relationship with Big highlights the emotional rollercoaster that can result when one partner isn’t fully invested, and the other keeps chasing a connection that might never be fully reciprocated. This dynamic not only challenges Carrie’s self-worth but also underscores an important lesson: respect, emotional availability, and mutual compatibility should never be overlooked in the pursuit of love.

Here’s a deep dive into how Carrie and Big’s story reveals the dangers of pursuing someone who doesn’t see you as their type — and why self-respect and emotional security should always come first.

Big’s “Type” vs. Carrie’s Reality

From the very beginning, it’s clear that Mr. Big is not the prince charming Carrie hopes him to be. While Carrie is quirky, vibrant, and emotionally vulnerable, Big appears to gravitate toward women who are polished, composed, and emotionally reserved — women like Natasha (his second wife) or even Charlotte.

This clash in personality and values creates tension throughout their relationship. Big repeatedly tells Carrie he isn’t emotionally available, a clear indication that he doesn’t see her as the partner he envisions for his life. Despite his candidness, Carrie continues to pursue him, interpreting his occasional moments of vulnerability as signs that he might change or finally commit.

Big’s decision to marry Natasha, a woman who embodies the poised and traditional traits he seems to prefer, is a glaring indication of his type. For Carrie, this is a blow to her self-esteem, as it reinforces the idea that she isn’t “enough” for him. But in truth, this mismatch has less to do with Carrie’s worth and more to do with the fundamental incompatibility of their personalities and values. 

The Paris Incident: A Lack of Respect

One of the most memorable and painful moments in Carrie and Big’s relationship occurs when Big announces — without telling Carrie — that he is moving to Paris. This decision epitomizes his lack of respect for her. Not only does he fail to include her in such a significant life choice, but he also assumes that she will remain available to him regardless of his actions.

This moment serves as a wake-up call for Carrie, though it takes her time to fully process the implications. Big’s decision to move to Paris without consulting her shows how little regard he has for their relationship. It also highlights an uncomfortable truth: Big doesn’t prioritize Carrie’s feelings or see her as an equal partner in his life.

Natasha vs. Carrie: The Importance of Self-Worth

Big’s marriage to Natasha further emphasizes the contrast between the women in his life. Natasha is portrayed as elegant, refined, and emotionally distant — the antithesis of Carrie’s free-spirited and vulnerable nature. While Carrie struggles with insecurity throughout her relationship with Big, Natasha exudes confidence and self-assurance.

When Natasha discovers Big’s infidelity, she decisively divorces him and walks away, demonstrating her unwillingness to tolerate disrespect. Her actions earn Big’s respect, as evidenced by the fact that he leaves her money in his will, despite their rocky end.

In contrast, Carrie repeatedly forgives Big’s emotional unavailability and inconsiderate behavior, which inadvertently signals to him that he doesn’t need to change or treat her with more respect. This dynamic raises an important question: Do Big and Carrie ultimately end up together because of genuine love, or because Carrie is the only one willing to endure his emotional shortcomings?

Settling for Less: The Danger of Insecurity

One of the most poignant aspects of Carrie’s relationship with Big is how her insecurities influence her decisions. Despite her intelligence, charisma, and successful career, Carrie often acts from a place of fear and self-doubt when it comes to Big.

She fears losing him, even when his actions clearly show that he doesn’t value her in the way she deserves. This fear leads her to compromise her boundaries and accept behavior that undermines her self-respect.

Carrie’s insecurities are particularly evident in her reaction to Natasha. Instead of recognizing that Natasha’s polished exterior doesn’t make her inherently better or more deserving of love, Carrie internalizes Big’s preference for Natasha as a reflection of her own inadequacy. This mindset traps Carrie in a cycle of trying to prove her worth to Big, rather than recognizing her inherent value.

The Power Dynamics of Emotional Unavailability

Big’s emotional unavailability is a recurring theme throughout the series. He repeatedly avoids commitment, deflects serious conversations, and prioritizes his own desires over Carrie’s needs. This behavior creates an imbalance of power in their relationship, with Carrie constantly chasing Big’s approval and affection.

This dynamic is not unique to Carrie and Big — it’s a common pattern in relationships where one partner is more emotionally invested than the other. The partner who is less invested often holds more power, as they dictate the terms of the relationship and face fewer consequences for their actions.

For Carrie, this imbalance is both frustrating and heartbreaking. Despite her efforts to win Big over, his unwillingness to fully commit leaves her feeling unfulfilled and undervalued.

Do Big and Carrie End Up Together Out of Love or Convenience?

The series finale and subsequent movies show Carrie and Big finally ending up together. However, their happily-ever-after feels more like a compromise than a triumph of love.

Big’s decision to commit to Carrie seems to stem from a lack of better options rather than a genuine change in his feelings or behavior. By the time they reunite, Big has exhausted other possibilities and appears to settle for the comfort and familiarity of Carrie.

This raises an important question: Does their relationship symbolize true love, or is it a reflection of the fact that no one else is willing to tolerate Big’s emotional unavailability?

The Lesson: Don’t Pursue Someone Who Doesn’t Value You

Carrie and Big’s relationship offers a powerful lesson about the importance of self-respect and emotional compatibility. Pursuing someone who doesn’t see you as their type — or who isn’t willing to invest in the relationship — often leads to frustration, insecurity, and heartbreak.

Here are some key takeaways:

1. Listen to Their Words: When someone tells you they aren’t emotionally available or that they don’t want a serious relationship, believe them. Don’t assume that you can change their mind or make them see your worth.
2. Prioritize Mutual Respect: A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect and appreciation. If someone consistently disregards your feelings or fails to prioritize your needs, they aren’t the right partner for you.
3. Value Yourself: Your worth isn’t determined by someone else’s opinion or preferences. Focus on building your self-confidence and surrounding yourself with people who value and respect you.
4. Don’t Settle: Settling for a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you is a recipe for unhappiness. Wait for someone who sees your worth and is willing to invest in the relationship as much as you are.

Final Thoughts

Carrie and Big’s story is a reminder that love isn’t enough to sustain a relationship if respect and emotional compatibility are missing. While their relationship makes for compelling television, it also serves as a cautionary tale about the dangers of chasing someone who doesn’t see your value.

In the end, true happiness comes from recognizing your worth and refusing to settle for anything less than a relationship that brings out the best in you. Don’t waste your time trying to fit into someone else’s ideal — focus on being the best version of yourself, and the right partner will appreciate you for who you are.